


Please Don't Mess Around With Me, I'm A Shark Fatality

by Celebrate_the_irony



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel (Comics), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Absolute Farce, Cause of course it is, Clueless in it for the ride Wade, Grumpy Bitter Jaded Peter, It's only going to get farce-ier from here, M/M, fake dating au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 10:49:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14079258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celebrate_the_irony/pseuds/Celebrate_the_irony
Summary: "Wade would be fine with it except he’s not even mentioned by name he’s just Peter Parker’s homewrecker mutant gay lover. Which is great, that’s what he’s always wanted to be known as, ever since he was a little boy. His childhood dreams are now a reality."Or Peter assumed Wade could read into context clues and wasn't a complete idiot. Peter assumed wrong.





	Please Don't Mess Around With Me, I'm A Shark Fatality

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm alive lol. I hope I finish this one, I really like it. I was going to do it as a one-shot and then I realised it 10,000 words already and we haven't even really hit a plot yet, good lord. So I'm chaptering it. 
> 
> I spent so long writing this I have a soundtrack for it 
> 
> Shark Attack- Split Endz  
> All My Friends- LCD Soundsystem  
> Dotted Line- Mama Kin Spender 
> 
> Thanks for stayin with me.

“I just wanted to know, just for my own personal curiosity, what the _fuck_ were you thinking?” Peter Parker, CEO of Parker Industries and one of the most influential men in New York, yelled at Wade Wilson, the shit stain on the underwear of humanity.

This could have gone better.

“I don’t know, you seem to know me pretty damn well, why don’t you tell me?” Wade snapped back.

“Yeah Pete, why don’t you tell him?” Clint Barton, all round alright guy and the shit stirrer that brought Wade along to this event in the first place, snickered.

“Oh sure thing, I think Wade was being his usual attention seeking fuckwit self when suddenly he thought ‘hmm, this ceremony to celebrate the good work the Avengers Initiative has done for the city of New York doesn’t have enough me in it. I’m going to make out with Peter Parker, completely unwarranted, at the worst possible moment, taking attention away from the families rebuilding their lives and make the news tomorrow be all about me.’” Peter said scathingly before sinking back into his side of the limo.

“Completely unwarranted is a bit of a stretch, don’t ya think, Pete?” Clint smirked. He was loving this, what an asshole.

Although he had a point, when Clint dragged Wade along to this pretentious circle jerk, Wade had never met Peter Parker before in his life. And yet there he was, he moved from his self-important table with all the other bigwigs of New York to sit with Clint and Wade, who were at the back of the room, possibly because Wade rocked up in his suit sans mask. He cracked jokes and talked to Wade like he had known him all his life, and Wade didn’t mean it as he was so charming, Wade means he was literally referencing key moments in Wade’s life. Wade was more than a little weirded out by this. But what really was the straw that broke Wade’s back, was that Peter was all over Wade. Like all over him, arm around waist, face obnoxiously close to Wade’s, constant overly familiar glances, hands resting on places that a stranger’s hands should not be. Wade had never been not into a display of public intimacy before this moment. So obviously, Wade gets a plan of attack in motion. When Peter got up to give his acceptance speech for some award for something Peter invented, Wade kissed him, battered his eyelashes and said “So proud of you, babe.”

It felt like a natural progression from all the random groping he had to endure, he might even spark off some consequences for his actions, who knows? It wasn’t even a light peck on the lips, it was a full on one of the five most pure most passionate kisses since the invention of the kiss. It was only after when Clint was laughing hysterically, that Wade noticed all the cameras in the venue. Once again, Wade had not thought through a plan of his, how droll. Peter laughed it off and cracked some witty one liner that Wade only paid half attention to. But it was too late, Wade had journalists in face for the rest of the night about how he was Peter’s secret lover and if he was the one who destroyed Peter’s marriage. The second Peter reappeared he grabbed Wade by the arm and dragged him into his limo, Clint followed behind them, Wade didn’t think Clint was going to miss this.

“Aw, I’m sorry, was I supposed to sit quietly and put up with you feeling me up all night? Was I a bad victim?” Wade pouted and wiped away a fake tear. Peter gave him possibly the coldest glare Wade’s ever received in his life.

“Can you cool it with the fucking bits, Wade? I know you don’t know how to handle anything more serious than your whoopee cushion not working, but at least fucking try.” Peter said icily. Wade was not expecting that.

“Excuse me-“ Wade started to defend himself but was immediately cut off by Peter.

“No shut up, if it’s not a solution to this fucking mess you’ve made, then I don’t want to hear it.” Wade couldn’t even argue with this guy anymore, nothing he was saying was making any sense to Wade at all.

“You know what, this is sounding more like a ‘you’ problem than an ‘us’ problem. If your driver could let us out here, we can make it the rest of the way.” Wade said rather calmly, he thought. He saw Clint, out of the corner of his eye, trying very hard to not burst a blood vessel from containing his laughter.

“Wade.” Peter started to say.

“In fact, I don’t think kissing a mutant of the same gender is that big of a mess and, to be honest, the real mess on your hands is going to be me. Because, pro tip, sexually harassing a mercenary is usually a bad idea.” Wade said continuing his cool calm collected veneer. He knocked on the partition.

“Sexually harassing? Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck me, you can be dense sometimes.” Peter remarked acidly.

“How would you know?” Wade had about enough of this.

“Well this has been fun.” Clint cut in on the two of them. “But would you look at the time? We must be going.”

Wade was furious, he didn’t even know this guy, how dare he insult him like this. It was total bullshit, Wade was going to call Parker Industries’ customer complaints department tomorrow from all his burner phones and clog up the system, it was the only way Wade was going to get some peace from all this. He couldn’t believe he put a suit on for this.

As the limo pulled up to the curb, Clint grabbed Wade by the arm, assumedly to get him out of the car as quickly as possible. As soon as Clint dragged Wade out the limo, Wade slammed the door behind him and gave the car a kick before it drove off. ‘Fucking waste of fucking air, what a fucking piece of fucking shit, can you believe that? He doesn’t fucking know me, ‘You can be dense sometimes.’ Who the fuck even does that to a person? Fucking asshole.” Wade ranted to the night.

“There there,” Clint said absent-mindedly.

“God, I never want to see his stupid smug face again.”

“That’s just tempting fate.” Clint pointed out.

“Don’t say that. You’re right but don’t say it.” Wade sighed. Clint laughed at him as he hailed a cab that was driving by.

“Well, remind me to invite you to more of these things.” Clint remarked as he opened the door.

“It’s been a constant delight.” Wade replied dryly.

“I’ll think of it fondly. See ya round Wade.” Clint hoped in his cab and drove away.

Well, thank god that’s over.

* * *

Except it wasn’t. Of course it wasn’t. He woke up the next morning to find himself all over the news.  Wade would be fine with it except he’s not even mentioned by name he’s just Peter Parker’s homewrecker mutant gay lover. Which is great, that’s what he’s always wanted to be known as, ever since he was a little boy. His childhood dreams are now a reality. Wade kept flicking through the channels on his TV, all of the shitty morning shows were just him and Peter and this big divorce. Turns out Peter’s mess was not the gay mutant thing and was in fact a very aggressive future ex wife. However, Good Morning America wished Wade well on his new relationship, while Today wanted him to know that he might be stepping in before the ashes are cold and to watch himself. Sky News, however, just wanted to let you know that Peter Parker was giving a press conference today on his new Webware technology. Good. For. Him.

Wade turned off the TV, he absolutely could not see Peter Parker’s face one more time. He could, however, go on Amazon and write bad reviews of his products. Don’t let anyone tell you that Wade Wilson doesn’t know how to have a good time. Except, as Wade hopped onto his laptop and started to look into Parker Industries he found they don’t make gimmicky products as Wade thought they did, they make life changing artificial limbs and other various medical technology. Oh good. Wade then realised that Peter would have gotten an award for saving countless lives with said technology. Fantastic, the creep was a hero. What a fucking icon.

He was balls deep in steaming in his own juices when there was a knock at his door. Wade wasn’t up for visitors if he was being honest, it was one o’clock and he was still in his pyjamas. He got up and opened the door anyway. He shouldn’t have.

“Wade!” It was Peter because of course it was. Wade has not known rest since 1979.

“Me!” Wade replied as he went to close the door in Peter’s face. Unfortunately, he saw it coming and pushed through.

“You know what I did today?” Peter asked. He didn’t wait for Wade to respond and just powered on. “I had a very important press conference talking about bringing internet access to poorer areas. Landmark developments that will only affect, what, 30 million people? 300 mill? That’s nothing apparently, the only questions I got asked were ‘What side of the bed does he sleep on? Does your wife know you’re gay? Why date a mutant?’ You know because that’s the important issue here.” Peter glared at Wade. He obviously wasn’t the loved up man TMZ made him out to be.

“I sleep on the left if that helps.” Wade snapped back snarkily, he didn’t care, he didn’t want to care, as far as Wade’s concerned, this really isn’t his problem.

“No, it doesn’t. I’ve got one half of the media saying I’ve hit rock bottom in my post marriage meltdown while the other half is saying my entire marriage was a lie and I was having gay affairs the entire time.” Peter was getting angrier and angrier.

“You are the rock bottom if you’re having gay affairs.” Wade said as he turned his back on Peter and made his way back towards his couch. Just as he sat down, Peter sat next to him and took out a box of cigarettes.

“Let me explain something to you. I can’t cough in this town without it hitting page 3. My marriage has now replaced the entire Broadway strip in entertainment value. I have been fortunate in that my end of the whole sordid thing was relatively scandal free. And now, it’s not. You need to fix this.” Peter told Wade. Well that’s a crock of shit if Wade ever heard one.

“Do I though?” Wade said as he picked up his laptop from his coffee table. Just as he went to look up what number he had to dial to prank call every employee at Parker Industries, he felt a sharp chill down his spine. He looked over at Peter who was glaring at him.

“I’m not asking you.” Peter said simply as he lit his cigarette. Wade had never felt smaller, he was literally in a Godfather situation with the person he least suspected of being able to pull off a Godfather situation. Unbelievable.

“Don’t you have a publicity department? Why are you coming to me with this?” Wade tried to reason.

“I did, I didn’t like their response, I pray for your sake that I like yours.” God his rage had gone beyond last night, this was ridiculous. Wade expects a white cat to suddenly appear on his lap.

“Um,” Wade stalled, he could feel sweat starting to pool on his forehead, was he going to die? He was going to get whacked by the mafia, Peter surely has those kinds of connections. Oh god, what if he’s Kingpin? He’s living a double life, during the day he’s a CEO philanthropist and at night he physically changes every aspect of his appearance to become Marlon Brando.

Wade then realised that he was being intimidated by the man who absolutely no right to intimidate him.

“Now wait just a second, Tommy De-fucking-Vito, I don’t have to put up with this shit. You’re just some total stranger who spend an entire night all over me. I don’t think you have a leg to fucking stand on here.” Wade retorted.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Wade. Can we drop the act?” Peter snapped back.

“What act?” Wade asked indignantly. Peter’s whole demeanour changed from Jaws to Basil Fawlty.  

“What do you mean what act? You’re just fucking around, aren’t you? With this whole not.. knowing…” Peter trailed off as he saw Wade’s very confused expression. “Not knowing that I’m… that I thought you were interested in me and I’m sorry for the way I handled it, there’s no excuse for how I behaved. I hope you can forgive me and we can move on from this.”

“Thank you,” Wade said, it seemed like that was as good as it was going to get with Peter. He’s obviously lying, but that’s to be expected from these powerful CEO types.

“I don’t… I mean… fuck.” Peter sighed as he went back to focusing on his cigarette. “PR thought it would be best into paying you an exorbitant amount of money to never show your face in this town ever again.” Zero flaws in that plan, that’s a one-way ticket to Hollywood for round two, thank you so much for this opportunity, Paula.

“And what’s wrong with-“

“I am not ever giving you money ever.” Peter said blowing smoke in Wade’s face, thank god for those self-healing lungs.

“Well ok, I don’t really see any other option, unless you want to Cole Porter this shit then give me the money.” Wade rolled his eyes. He’d had enough of dealing with Peter, at this point Wade figures he can’t die, why not spin the dice see what happens?

“What does Cole Porter have to do with this?” Peter frowned at Wade.

“You know, fake it, the Hollywood Showmance.” Wade explained. Peter looked blindsided by this, Wade wasn’t surprised, that’s the standard reaction to Wade.

“This isn’t how I pictured this happening.” Peter murmured to himself.

“I take cash or you can donate it to my Kickstarter. I’m raising funds for a assless chaps version of my suit. I think it’ll go over well with my clientele.” Wade rambled as he glanced over at Peter to scope his reaction. Hopefully, Wade has bored him into leaving.  

“I can’t fucking believe this.” Peter shook his head as he, attractively and not gross at all, grinded his cigarette butt on Wade’s coffee table. “Fuck, fine, whatever. Be my goddamn boyfriend if you want it so much.” Peter stood up and started to walk towards the door. Oh hell no.

“Wait, what?” Wade said as he stood up and chased Peter to the door.

“You wanted this.” Peter said simply. Fuck off.

“Oh, so now we’re taking things I say seriously?”

“Don’t get used to it. I’ll be in touch.” Peter said before opening the door and slamming it behind him.

This was it, this was how Wade was gonna die. He finally found a way. His brain was going to implode on itself from Peter goddamn Parker. And when he’s in heaven, far, far away from this, God or Thor or whatever, will look him in the eye, take his hand and say calmly but firmly “You’re a fool man, Charlie Brown.” And Wade will have nothing to defend himself with, because they will be right.

* * *

Wade was now sitting on the edge of an apartment block, legs swinging in the breeze, admiring the artistry of an elderly woman on the street beating a man with the handbag he tried to snatch from her.

He was trying not to think about this whole Parker situation, definitely wasn’t going to think about how it has snowballed into a situation. Wade had never thought he would be mad to be linked with a millionaire. Actually, that’s a thought, Wade wonders if he can manage to squeeze an allowance out of his new beau. Wade’s never thought what his finances would be like if he didn’t have to spend most of it on pain meds. He could finally pay Al back for all her drugs that he sold to fund his take down of a small group of assassins from Long Island called Nassassu County

Of course, none of this had anything to do with the most conflicting issue at hand, which was Wade’s honour, something that Wade had little of and what little of it he had he was surprisingly defensive about. A man’s got to have morals at some point. Although, usually a casual grope here and there doesn’t bother Wade all that much, god knows Wade himself is pretty fast and loose with the concept of personal space. What bothered Wade was the intimacy of it, there was a familiarity and a care to his touch. He said grope at the time but it more like Peter had his hand on the small of Wade’s back. He would reach out for Wade’s arm with his free hand as he laughed about an inside joke they supposedly had. He wiped sauce off of Wade’s cheek with his thumb while looking at him with this fondness. It was extremely unnerving to have a total stranger give you a look like that. What was worse that it was familiar to Wade, he knew that joke from somewhere, he couldn’t place it, but he knew it. The whole thing felt like a sick joke at Wade’s expense and that was what was violating to Wade.

But Wade said he wasn’t going to think about this, and he wasn’t. He was just sitting here letting the cool night sky calm him and he was waiting. He never had to wait before usually-

There was a sudden thump behind Wade that interrupted his train of thought. He didn’t bother turning around.

“Great Scott, time has appeared to have started again after it being 12:30 for the past half an hour. God only knows what’ll happen to me after being the only man conscious in that impossible half hour.” Wade said in his best attempt at a Christopher Lloyd.

“Woah, woah, wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that all the clocks were stuck on 12:30, for like half an hour?” An unsurprisingly good Michael J. Fox impression came from behind Wade.

“It appears so, if I don’t make it, Marty. Continue my research without me, and hide my mags, you know the ones.”

“I resent the idea of an elderly lone man showing his porn mags to a high schooler.” Spiderman said as he pecked Wade on the cheek and plonked down next to him.

“Not as much as I resent you being LATE.” Wade said before dramatically collapsing in Spiderman’s lap. He looked up at his… lover? He guesses? He didn’t know. All Wade knew was he was Spiderman and he had deigned to lower himself to hang out with Wade. He had his mask rolled up to his nose so Wade could see him smiling. Wade’s not one to be sappy, but that smile was sexuality changing, it was radiant, beautiful, it is as loving and welcoming as Julia Childs and Wade doesn’t say that lightly.  

 “Well, you’re lucky I showed at all, with your new boyfriend.” Spiderman teased. Oof, low blow. Wade ran his hand through his non-existent hair as he groaned.

“I have to tell you something, Spidey, you may want to grab something so you don’t fall off the building from shock, but one of my wacky hijinks may have gone terribly wrong.” Wade confessed.

“Oh?” Spidey said, the fact he could judgementally raise an eyebrow through a mask was one of many things that drew Wade to him.

“This asshole was feeling me up all night so I was like fuck him, I’m gonna kiss him to embarrass him and we’re fake dating now, who could have foreseen?” Wade placed his hands on his cheeks in a cutesy manner best seen at any toddler pageant in America. Spiderman was quiet for a moment.

“You okay, Spidey?”

“Yeah, it’s cool, I guess I read the whole situation wrong.” Spiderman said, for once in his life, he was expressionless. Not just physically, but the tone, was totally unreadable.

“Course you did! Why would I ever go for some grouchy ol fuckface when I have our Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman courting my affection?” Wade tried to comfort Spidey as he reached out to Spidey’s hand and interlinked their fingers, Wade never figured Spiderman for the jealous type, Wade was a little flattered that he was worth getting jealous over.   

“Is he really an asshole?” Spiderman asked, he sounded on edge. Wade moved Spidey’s hand closer to him so he could kiss his way up Spidey’s arm.

“The absolute worst, Spidey, you wouldn’t believe it. He insults me like non-stop, not even in the affectionate way that you do it that I’ve learned to love so much. It’s more like he’s got three men lined up all ready to put concrete shoes on me and feed me to the fishes.” Wade explained through kisses, slowly siting himself up and contorting himself so he made it up to Spidey’s shoulder. Hopefully that helps calm him down.

“Sounds like you’re dating Kingpin.” Spiderman remarked to himself.  Wade sat up properly and rested his head on Spiderman’s shoulder.

“My god I am. The next crossover edition with me and Daredevil is going to get awkward.” Wade winced. Spidey went quiet for a second.

“Can we just, skip to the making out part?”

“Oh I see, use me then lose me, eh? Love em and leave em, just another notch in the ol’ belt. It’s fine I’m fine, I’m sure Kingpin will appreciate my smooth moves.” Wade leant away from Spidey and threw his arms up in the air dramatically.

“Wade.”

“No, it’s fine. I spend all day pining for you, Pining, Spidey, and you show up LATE and then skip all our amazing foreplay which, so you know, today was going to be my amazing spider related puns that I had all lined up. Do you remember when we spent like two hours with you coming up with scenarios that would kill me and then I’d tell you how I’d defy all odds and come back from the brink. That was fun, and a little sexy cause I ended up naked in all those scenarios, you’re very kinky, you know that.” Wade was just rambling now, he doesn’t quite know what’s gotten into Spidey but he hopes something out of this will help.

“I don’t want to question too deeply into why you think that’s foreplay for us.” Spiderman quipped.

“If we’re asking questions about us, I wanna know why we’ve been banging for what? Four months now. And only once have you used your webs. It’s deplorable.” Wade threw down the gauntlet and he threw it hard.

“I need to use it to save people, Wade, what if I’m holding back a runaway train and I run out? Hundreds of people will have died because of your orgasm.” Spiderman brought morals into it like the good superhero he was.

“But it’d be a really good orgasm.” Wade countered.

“How come I’m the one who has to make the sex we have good? When was the last time you did something for me?” Spidey pointed out. Oh, we’re going there?

“Oh, I see how it is, remember when I broke a rib because the angle we were going at was just too good? Or when you literally choked me out because you ‘Didn’t know how hard you were supposed to go’? Or the time we were on the corner of-“

“Who do you think I am?” Spiderman asked suddenly. 

“Well hopefully no one I know or that would be embarrassing.” Wade immediately retorted. That didn't seem to be the answer that Spidey was suddenly looking for so Wade continued to blab on. “I always hoped that you weren’t related to me either. I know the odds are astronomical considering I’m from Canada, but it is possible that you could be. I also hoped that you were legal but we have known each other for a while so I always assumed you weren’t an age that would ruin me. I’m going to be honest here and say I thought you were an alien for a while, because you have the strongest moral core I’ve ever seen. As far as I can tell, you’re not, maybe your cloaking device is stronger than I suspect, but from what I’ve seen you’re human.”

“That’s not exactly what I mean.”

“What? You want me to say ‘I hope you’re six foot two with blue eyes that pierce into your soul and a crooked smile that worms into your heart’ I don’t care who you are, Spidey. As long as you’re still the same snarky but loveable defender of New York, you could be a mountain of cockroaches under there and I’d mostly be ok with it. I don’t even care if I ever find out, because that’s not my business to decide. If you’re not comfortable telling me then don’t tell me. Are you feeling better at all yet? My mouth’s getting dry from all this talking.”

“A little actually.” Spidey sighed contently to himself as he leant his head on Wade’s shoulder. They sat in silence for a moment as they took in the smoggy beauty of the city.

“I’m sorry your fake boyfriend is an asshole.”

“It could be worse. It could be you.” Wade smirked.

“Probably be about the same, actually.” Spidey remarked. “Did you really spend all day pining and thinking of spider puns?”

“I mean, they’re not great.”

“What?” Spidey looked him with a smile. Well now he has to tell them.

“You know if this whole superhero thing doesn’t work out you could always be a web designer.” Wade said with the signature gleeful look of someone who has just told a godawful pun.

“Oh my god.” Spidey said as he buried his face into Wade’s shoulder. Wade couldn’t help but start to snicker.

“And if you ever get married it would be a webbing and you’d hold in in Weburary and then later on you can go on NewlyWebs.”

“Nooo.” Spidey’s muffled cry of mercy was ignored as Wade brought in the home run.

“And, and, I’ve always wanted to know, how is Miss Muffet?” Wade got out through his wheezing laughter.

“They come here, they all come here. How do they find me?” Spidey muttered to himself.

“I’m done, I’m done I promise.” Wade put his free arm up in a gesture of surrender.  

“I-“

“OH!” Wade suddenly interjected. Spidey looked up at him with what could only be interpreted as pleading eyes.

“Please don’t”

“Hey Incy Wincy, wanna climb up my water spout?” Wade grinned from ear to ear. That was completely unplanned, Wade is just that good.

“I love you, you complete fucking idiot, oh my god.”

“Shut up and kiss me, you big Daddy Long Legs.”

“Don’t you ever call me that again.” Spidey said as he pressed his lips onto Wades. God, life was good, you know? Fake boyfriend drama? Pah, totally forgotten, who needs it. This is all Wade needs right here. An overly affectionate relationship with a spider man he only sees in the dark of night that he knew nothing about. The absolute dream.

* * *

Wade hadn’t heard from Peter in four days, it was a blessing, a miracle, one might say. His four days without Peter were quite uneventful, being the gay mutant homewrecker of New York’s favourite couple isn’t as controversial as it seems, he guesses. Hell, he’s had more people approach him mistaking him for Spiderman or, on one occasion, Iron Man, than this.

When Peter finally did get in contact with him, it was his assistant calling Wade. She told him that Wade would be picked up at 7:30 and Wade was to “dress like a grown adult for once, please, I’m begging you here, Wade.” Wade assumed that those were Peter’s words and not hers.

Later that day, when looking through his wardrobe, Wade discovered he didn’t own a suit that didn’t have blood on it. In fact, he didn’t own any clothes that would make him look like a grown adult, please, I’m begging you here . So, after debating strongly with himself what would least likely get him killed, he decided on a pair of black suit pants that had a blood stain in the crotch and a humble pastel pink long sleeve button up that had blue sequinned fringing on the shoulders and floral embroidery on the breast. Wade didn’t even remember buying this shirt but it was seriously his only shirt without noticeable bloodstains on it.  He didn’t even have a jacket to hide the fringing at least because two no longer had sleeves and his last one had bullet holes.

7:30 had arrived, Wade was now writing his will and testament in his head. When the knock on the door came, Wade had to remind himself that he couldn’t actually die. He opened it to see Peter in a probably very expensive navy suit, he oozed respectability and style and handsomeness and dear god Wade was standing in front of him in a shirt that if he lifted his arms he had a damn cape. This was a mistake. Peter was looking at his phone when Wade had opened the door, but when he drew his attention to Wade his jaw hit the floor. Oh god.

“Shall we?” Wade said with no shame, as though his shirt was not louder than he could ever dream to be. Peter was still gobsmacked.

“Wade… this is. This is… you…”

“What? Do I have something in my teeth?” Wade frowned.

“I don’t know if this was an attempt to get back at me, or if it’s you genuinely dressing nice or what it is.” Peter said, his eyes not moving from Wade’s shirt. “Are those turtles on your collar?”

“I can make them dance if I shimmy my shoulders, wanna see?” Wade smirked. Peter took a moment to recollect himself.

“Wade, this shirt needs to go.” Peter stated.

“Well, funny you mention that.” Wade started to say. Peter squinted at him real hard, Wade felt very small all of a sudden.

“If you tell me that’s your only shirt.”

“No, that’s not exactly true, it’s just my other shirts are not exactly ‘socially appropriate’ shall we say?” Wade fought through the small feeling, there was no way this asshole was going to intimidate him.  

“You can’t possibly consider that socially appropriate.” Peter scoffed. Already this has been delightful.

“I can just stay home if you want.” Wade took a step backwards and reached for the door.

“Get in the car.” Peter ordered. Ugh.

“Sure thing, Dad.” Wade retorted. As he turned the lights off and left his apartment.

Oh god, he’s going to have to lock his door in front of this millionaire. The door handle was falling apart, the keyhole had something jammed in it, Wade’s landlord said he’d come fix it but that was three months ago so god only knows what happened to that. The only way to lock it was with a bent back fork with its handle snapped off and some gaffa tape.

Wade, with as much confidence as he could muster, put his bent back fork in the latch, closed the door on it, put the handle through the prongs and taped the whole thing down. He turned to face Peter with his head held high. Peter continued to have a gobsmacked expression.

“Jesus Christ, Wade.”

“Fork you, Parker.” Wade said as he stuck his tongue out and walked towards the stairs.

Peter’s car was on the curb in front of the building, it was big, black, and beautiful. Although, Wade noted that wherever they were going to the limo was too good for. Wade’s so used to being poor that when Peter got in the back seat, it was Wade’s first assumption that Peter expected Wade to drive and not that he had a chauffeur. Fortunately, he realised this before he stole the very expensive car.

As he sat in Peter’s expensive car, being ignored as Peter was on his phone, he started to play around with window.

Up.

Down.

Up.

Down

Up. Down. Up. Down up downupdownupdown.

“WADE!” Peter snapped.

“Where are we going exactly?” Wade asked after leaving his window down, making the slight breeze mess up Peter’s hair. Ha.

“There’s an auction gala thing at the Museum, I didn’t want to go, but it’s for MJ’s charity and since I helped start the fucking thing, I don’t get a choice.” Peter sighed as he put his phone down and grabbed his box of cigarettes from his inside pocket.

“MJ?” Wade asked.

“The ex-wife.” Peter grunted as he lit his cigarette.  Wade suddenly broke out in a cold sweat.

“Oh?” Wade said, oh god, oh god. He was in too DEEP, he was going down for the last time. His life flashed before his eyes.

“Don’t get too stressed, the shirt is a good defence, she’ll need at least an hour to recover from seeing it.” Peter smirked. Wade had to take a second to talk himself out of jumping out of the car and running back home.

“Parker, this is a bit far even for you-“

“Listen, I’m sorry our first date won’t be up to your apparently high standards. I get it, taking you to meet the fucking Beast from 20,000 Fathoms isn’t exactly the romantic and passionate time I imagined for us. However, this is the situation we’re faced with, and, by god, we will get through it, hopefully with all our limbs still attached.” Peter said the most moving and impassioned speech that Wade had heard all year, all the while not looking up from his phone and with a cigarette in his mouth. However much Wade despised the guy, he definitely respected that kind of integrity.

“Isn’t this more an Attack of the 50 Foot Woman situation?” Wade remarked.

“Yeah, the fucking Daryl Hannah version where her husband ends up in a jar with two other idiots.” Peter scoffed.

“Goodness, Pete, you do pick winners, don’t you?” Wade joked awkwardly. Wade knew nothing about this situation, he didn’t want to be involved in the situation. This was NONE of his business. He could be watching Law and Order right now.

Peter looked up from his phone with a sigh at Wade. Oh god, what’s Wade done now?

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be an asshole about her. It’s just the divorce, we never got a prenup, so the whole thing’s a fucking disaster at the moment. And she’s being such a fucking pain in the ass about every fucking thing.” Peter scowled, his knuckles were white from how hard he was gripping his phone. Wade subtly schooched away from him.

“When I moved out of my old place my old lady roommate claimed all my prescription painkillers were hers. No matter how many hits I put on her she never managed to give em up.” Wade said wistfully. That blind old broad was a nimble and resourceful woman when she wanted to be.

“And?”

“I’m just saying hitmen don’t always work.” Wade said imparting his life wisdom, as tactfully as he could. Normally he wouldn’t say no to a job offer, but this was too much even for Wade. Peter looked scandalised.

“What? God! No! Have I seriously given you the impression that I would hire a hitman?” Peter looked like he was reflecting on every life choice he made to get him to this point. Honestly, Peter gave Wade the impression that not only would he hire a hitman, but he already done so, several times, possibly had one being shipped to Wade on Amazon. Wade wasn’t going to tell Peter this.

“I mean-“

“Fuck. Wade, I’m sorry, I didn’t. Jesus. Listen, can we, this’ll sound dumb, but can we start over? I don’t think we’ve gotten off on the right foot, and I’ve been such a fucking asshole. I don’t want you to think that I’m Fat fucking Tony.” Peter gave Wade a look that Wade didn’t think would affect him as much as it did. He looked desperate for Wade’s approval, which was such a bizarre thing for Wade, he had to investigate this further. If there’s one thing Wade’s good at, it’s going along for the ride without any attachments or any reason for being there. And this seemed like prime Wade Wilson material. Wade put his hand out for Peter to shake.

“Hi, I’m Wade Wilson, I’m wearing a shirt I don’t regret wearing despite what you might think.” Wade said. Peter smiled, relieved, as he took Wade's hand and gave it a firm shake.

“Hi, I’m Peter Parker. The shirt looks great on you.”

“You don’t have to lie to get on my good side.” Wade scoffed as he let go of Peter's hand.

“I’m not.” Peter said simply as he stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray in his door and went back to his phone. Wade didn’t realise Peter had bought this car from Winston Churchill, who has ashtrays in their car doors anymore?

Wade went back to being bored in the car, Wade would pull out his phone but he forgot it. Wade never usually brings his phone with him as it messes with his silhouette and you’d be surprised how much that can fuck up your day while wearing a mercenary suit. He usually doesn’t bring his wallet with him either, not that it matters if he brings his wallet or not it doesn’t have any money in it. Good lord this drive is taking forever. Wade was starting to go stir crazy, he can’t even form a deep meaningful relationship with the driver like he normally would because Peter would think even less of him. Although, Peter’s opinion of Wade may not be as low as Wade originally thought. He seemed kinda devastated that Wade would think of him as Tony Soprano. Wade didn’t know why, Wade would probably end up being the hitman he hired, this is his job after all.  Not that he’d wanna kill someone’s ex-wife, he isn’t huge on petty personal vendettas, he’d probably still do it, but it would mess up his chakras something chronic. Fuck me, Wade only lives in fucking Allerton, he knows it’s a little while away but this is ridiculous.

After what felt like years of Wade’s life, they finally arrived at their destination. Wade got out of the car and walked around to meet Peter, and oh god this is a red-carpet event. Fucking hell. Is that Lois Lane Wade sees in the reporters’ alley?

“Stay quiet and keep behind me.” Peter whispered to Wade.

“But then how will they get my good side?” Wade asked as he totally ignored Peter’s instruction and led the charge.

“Wade, don’t you-“ Peter started to say as he followed Wade but got cut off by a microphone being shoved in his face.

“Peter Parker! Kelly DeVance, Entertainment Weekly.”  Peter gave her a similar look that he gives Wade, this one was subtler but Wade knew that disgusted expression anywhere.

“Oh god.” Peter muttered quietly to himself. Wade shuffled in closer, he wasn’t going to miss this.

“Peter, it’s interesting you’re going to the event hosted by your soon to be ex-wife.” Kelly didn’t fucking beat around the bush here.

“Well it’s a great charity with a great cause and I’m glad to give back in any way I can.” Peter said generically before starting to walk off.

“And the public will want to hear about your date tonight, Will.” The thing that stopped Peter from walking away was Wade stepping towards the microphone.

“Actually it’s Wade, as in Wade Wilson. Y’know, Deadpool, the public’s favourite loveable mercenary. Come on, they made a movie about me with Ryan Reynolds, it sold really well.” Wade said. Kelly looked blankly at Wade like he was crazy, Wade should have seen this coming.

“Uh, yes, sorry, Wade. Now, Wade, as the homosexual lover of the host’s ex-husband the public will be very interested to hear why you attended tonight.” Kelly said clearly digging for the juicy nugget that would make her a star. Well fuck it, Wade’s come this far.

“Like, totally Kelly, like Mary Kate and I, we’ve got like a long history, like for sure, we’ve never seen eye to eye, she’s like bag your face! Groady to the max! But you know, we’ve like grown as people, you know. It’s like totally bitchin and stuff.” Wade said flicking his imaginary hair.

“It’s Mary Jane.” Kelly said disbelievingly.

“Ugh, no thank you, I don’t smoke. I’m sure!” Wade said with a sneer before walking over to Peter who was watching this exchange completely aghast. Wade draped his arms over Peter’s shoulders and said loudly enough for the reporter to hear “Oh my god, babe, did you like hear that total beastie? Like barf me out!”

“I need you to stop.” Peter said so Wade and only Wade could hear.

“What? I gave her the big break she’s always wanted. Peter Parker’s gay mutant homewrecking lover is also batshit crazy! Soon tens of housewives across America will know the name Kelly DuVane.” Wade said as he let go off Peter to dramatically emphasis the name of Kelly DuVane with an arm gesture.

“DuVance.”

“Does she? Oh, I’m so sorry.” Wade faltered as he started to walk into the building.

“Wade, this fresh start is not going how I imagined it would.” Peter admitted as he followed Wade.

“What makes you say that?”

“This whole thing was to make me less like a grouchy ol fuckface but now I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill you.” Peter said plainly, the same way a farmer talks about a horse with a broken leg.

“You know if you cracked a smile when you said something like that, Vito, you would seem less like a grouchy ol fuckface.” Wade helpfully pointed out.

“But then it would come across like I’m joking.”

“Aren’t you?”

“No.” Peter said as he overtook Wade and entered the museum, good god. Wade stopped at the entrance. He was absolutely going to die tonight, he knows theoretically he can’t die, but tonight was 100% the night Peter was going to prove that theory wrong. Wade could just not walk in, he knows that’s probably the worse outcome, and he would have to face Kelly DeVaine again. No, he’d have to go in, Peter knows where he lives and even if Wade moved Peter’s smart enough to have planted a GPS on Wade without him realising. There’s no avoiding it, he has to go in.

He didn’t get to decide anyway, Peter opened the door and gave him a confused look.

“What are you doing?”

“These frames are nice! Are they steel? They look great!” Wade said as he rubbed the door frame with his hand.

“I’m not actually going to kill you.” Peter said in an attempt to be comforting. It would be more comforting if it was believable.  “I don’t have to, you’re about to meet the old money of New York, you’ll peel off naturally.”

“Fuck my life.” Wade muttered to himself as Peter opened the door for him and he walked in.  Fucking hell those dinosaurs were bigger than he expected, admittedly Wade’s only point of reference was Night at the Museum, but this is ridiculous. They were all beautifully lit up, there was a man on a piano in the corner, there was an attendant waiting to greet them. This was living. Peter was decisively not moving from the door. Wade took a moment to consider whether this was part of rich people etiquette to stand there awkwardly staring at the space around them. Should he join in? The attendant is looking confused. Fuck it, this is ridiculous. Wade defiantly walked over to the attendant.

“Hi! This is Peter Parker and I’m his plus one.” Wade said cheerfully to break the bewildering tension. The attendant looked at his clipboard.

“I’m sorry, Peter Parker has been explicitly forbidden from having a plus one this evening.” The attendant said apologetically. Well, no skin off Wade’s back. Time to hit the hay.

“Course he has, do you have a phone?” Peter stepped out of his daze to talk to the attendant. The attendant understandingly passed him an old Blackberry. Peter punched a number in and put the phone to his ear. “Hey it’s Peter.” Peter went quiet for a moment as he turned his back to the dinosaurs.

“No, I made it, I’m here…. Yeah, I did.” Peter said biting his lip. He looked at Wade nervously while he waited. “Really? Thanks MJ, can you please tell the attendant that? Ok, thank you.” Peter said before passing the phone back to the attendant.

“That was easy.” Wade remarked. Peter wasn’t listening, he was unreadably deep in thought, Wade couldn’t figure out what was going on.

“So, the function is being held in the Milstein Hall, so if you turn right and go through the hall of biodiversity and turn left you can’t miss it.” The attendant said, not that Peter heard he just barged on through.

“Thank you.” Wade said for him, do rich people just drop any sense of manners or decency the second they hit the first mil? Wade walked after Peter who had stopped at the entrance of the Hall, there were so many taxidermy animals in here, it brought Wade back to when Bob, in a desperate attempt to forget his troubles, took up taxidermy himself. Wade loved those mariachi rats, they didn’t have jaws but by god they had spirit.

“Fuck me,” Peter groaned “I need a fucking cigarette.” Peter powered back to the attendant with Wade watching him from the sidelines. This was getting interesting.

“Excuse me? Where’s the nearest exit that’s not that one?” Peter said gesturing to the big doors beside them. The attendant pointed to back from whence they came.

“Fuck’s sake.” Peter growled as he took a deep breath in and walked back towards the hall.

“What’s happening with you?” Wade asked as Peter walked by him.

“I fucking hate museums.” Peter said as he barged through the halls with Wade trailing behind him. “She knows I hate museums, I didn’t think it’d be an issue, I thought we’d be in the space hall or whatever. I didn’t think she’d be this fucking petty.”   

“Aren’t you a biologist?”

“Fuck off. It’s different.” Peter said as he pushed open the doors.

“How?” Wade asked as he followed him through the exit. God, it was gorgeous, this old country brick staircase. However, if Wade was being honest, it just made him think of the opening of The Bachelor, he expects a limo to pull up and a girl in a breakfast themed onesie to come out of it telling him that he shouldn’t go bacon her heart.

“I don’t stuff my findings and put them on display with these fucking creepy beady eyes.” Peter said as he walked over to the stair railing and lent on it. He reached into his jacket pocket and grabbed his box of cigarettes. He lit one and honestly, it didn’t look like it did much for him.

“Are you sure it’s about the taxidermy?” Wade as he stood in front of Peter.

“No.” Peter said frankly. Peter reached out with his free hand and intertwined Wades fingers with his.

“What are you-“

“Peter?” A female voice said from behind them. Peter froze for just a second before going back to smoking, he didn’t drop Wade’s hand. Wade was baffled as to why he was holding it in the first place. He was currently rubbing circles with his thumb on the back of Wade’s hand, Wade just let him do it as he was too taken aback to do anything about it but now, well now he can’t do anything about it, but the whole thing felt oddly familiar. Not the ex-wife part, well, not usually the ex-wife part, but the whole thing spooked Wade a little, he couldn’t place it, however, and now he just feels like a dumbass for not remembering.

“Hey, MJ.” Peter said softly. Good lord, Peter’s hand is clammy, the temptation to free his own hand and wipe it on his already ruined pants was overwhelming.

“Are you smoking?” MJ asked incredulously. Peter, fortunately, let go off Wade’s hand and stood up, stepping in front of Wade. “You don’t smoke.”

Peter just shrugged in response. There was silence between them, Wade very desperately wanted to get the hell out of here. If he just leapt over the wall and ran down the driveway he wouldn’t have to see either of these people again, he could get Spidey to move with him to Mexico and start a tap dancing act. Jimmy and Rico Ramirez, The Tappiest Couple in Town. The plan was all coming together in Wade’s eyes.

Just as Wade started planning their costumes, MJ looked behind Peter at Wade and extended her hand.

“Hi, you must be the man who’s fucking my husband.” MJ said casually, as though it wasn’t something she was bothered by. Wade warily shook her hand.

“And you must be the wife of the man I am fucking.” Wade said in that same casual tone. Wade’s never one to be outdone.

“You know, out of everyone he could have gone for, I’m not surprised it was you.” MJ said as she let go of Wade’s hand. God now that’s a powerful statement, what the fuck does that mean?

“Thank you. I’m sorry it ended up like this.” Wade said because it felt like the right thing to say? He felt very out of his depth, he was like a hippo at the opera.

“You didn’t know, did he know?”

“No,” Peter said

“No.” MJ repeated. “And how long exactly has it been since you two got it on?”  Four days, maybe five. Wade wasn’t going to say that though because he’s already quite uncomfortable and that may make it worse.

“Not as long as you think.” Peter said, how diplomatic.

“But long enough for it to be an issue, yeah?” MJ said again in that casual tone with that breezy smile. Peter looked like all the air had been sucked out of him.

“I’m sorry.” Peter murmured, now wait just a second.

“Are you?” MJ asked, she then noticed Wade making confused faces behind Peter. “Oh, and it looks like Deadpool really didn’t know. Well played, Tiger.”

“MJ,”

“You might want to light another one of those cancer sticks cause it looks like you two might have something to talk about other than questionable fashion choices.” MJ had yet to break character here, it was getting kind of unnerving. Wade almost wanted to hide further behind Peter.

“Don’t treat him like that.” Peter tilted his head at her, regaining some of that classic Soprano confidence that he’s so widely known for.

“Like what? Like the man you left me for?” MJ wasn’t threatened in the slightest.

“He had nothing to do with it, MJ, we were over long before he got involved.” Peter said dropping one hell of a bombshell on MJ. She looked rattled, the crack in the porcelain doll had appeared. “I’ll be honest MJ, I thought this was a mutual thing, I thought we both thought this relationship had well and truly died, I thought that was why you filed the papers.”

“I didn’t think you’d go along with it.” MJ said softly. Peter reeled back from the words that had just exited MJ’s mouth. Wade shouldn’t be here for this, however the temptation to get popcorn and get comfy was overwhelming.

“You are kidding me.” Peter looked absolutely flabbergasted, this was getting good.

“I was issuing an ultimatum, I thought you’d choose me.” MJ confessed. This really is The Bachelor, except it’s the final episode. And Wade’s the one getting proposed to, god, Wade hopes he gets a honeymoon cruise out of this.

“MJ, you know I can’t. You know I could never stop being-.” Peter said as though he’s had this conversation with her quite a many number of times.

“I thought we were worth stopping for.” MJ interrupted utterly defeated. Peter went silent, he was looking anywhere but at MJ. Wade wants to know what Peter was being, probably like Joe Pesci in Moonwalker sort of situation.

This silence was starting to get uncomfortable. Wade can’t say anything, he’s got no idea what they’re talking about. He’s just imaging Peter in the Moonwalker costume, with the vertical ponytail, what a look.

“We weren’t to you, were we? You’d rather swing from buildings in leotards and be a self-righteous dick all the time than be married to me.” MJ snapped. He’d rather what?

“MJ, it’s not like that.” Peter admonished.

“I know it’s not! God, you can’t stop for five seconds. You left me for a man, who you were fucking while we were still together and yet I’m the one in the wrong here.” MJ repeated as though she was the only one who grasped the situation. Wade doesn’t know why Peter isn’t saying anything to stop her from thinking that, it’s not true. This argument would be a lot easier if Wade just butted in and said they’ve been ‘dating’ for four days.

“We weren’t together.” Peter said, he sounded tired of repeating himself.

“You keep saying that as though that makes anything better,” MJ said, she obviously felt like that was a good line to end on as she then turned away and walked back into the museum. Peter just stood there for a moment.

“I mean, it’s none of my business, but did you leave your wife so you could be Philippe Petit?” Wade asked. Peter turned to face Wade. He had the beginnings of a frown on his face. “And, I guess while we’re on the subject of me sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong, why didn’t you tell her the truth, that we’ve only been ‘dating’ for four days?”

“Contextual clues aren’t really your thing, are they Wade?” Peter said as he looked down at his cigarette that he didn’t get to smoke and put it out on the bottom of his shoe. Classy.

“I’m wearing this shirt, you tell me.” Wade replied. Peter took a second to regard the shirt, possibly to refresh his memory of it, before cracking a smile.

“I’m so glad you’re here.” Peter said, it sounded genuine, but that can’t be possible Wade knows how sick and twisted the man in front of him is, there’s got to be an angle here. Peter sighed and started to adjust his jacket “Get your game face on, we’ve got to face the old money.”

“The what?” Wade started to sweat at the idea of meeting even more rich people, he’s already met two and they were godawful.

“Oh, you know, the trust fund royalty of New York, Trump supporters the lot of them, can’t see past the hundred dollar bills they use to wipe their brow.” Peter joked. Wade weighed his options.

“I think I left my iron on, I’ll just be heading out now.” Wade said as he started to walk backwards towards the gates.

“You can’t seriously expect me to believe you own an iron.” Peter said as he watched Wade attempts to be subtle. Was that a smirk on Peter’s face he saw?

“Well now hang on-” Wade said taking offence to that, he does own an iron, he just doesn’t own anything worth ironing.

“You’ll do great out there. Just stay by me, take as much food as you can carry and don’t make direct eye contact.” Peter interrupted as though this would be simple for Wade.

“Oh yeah, cause I have such a great history with the rich people, they always think ‘Gosh! That’s a fine upstanding man who I find approachable’ when they see this scabby body.”

“Hot stuff.” Peter remarked. “Right we’re going in. Godspeed solider.” Peter said as he saluted and walked into the building. This was Wade’s chance, now or never, he turned to run just as Peter popped back out the door. “Do you have a phobia of doors or something? Get inside!”

Peter grabbed Wade’s arm and dragged him in. Well, there’s no getting out of this now.

**Author's Note:**

> here's the shirt btw 
> 
> http://photobucket.com/gallery/http://s98.photobucket.com/user/amy122166/media/lemonalle3.jpg.html
> 
> you're welcome


End file.
